jacktellslies: (sebastian)
[personal profile] jacktellslies
Footnotes to poetry have reminded me of something I knew already: in dimly remembered human history, dildos were made of leather. This was, of course, disgusting. Before that, they could have been made of nearly anything, including, I've read, wood, stone, and ivory.

It must be admitted: I'm not always so stoic as I seem. Despite my being fully aware that, had I been born a boy, I would weep in the night: "Why, oh why, could I not have been born a girl?" I still, ever so rarely, bemoan my biological lot.

You may or may not know that I hold a certain fondness for missing limbs. The amputee is beautiful, and their prosthetics wonders. Quite often, I fear, I enjoy the suggestion of a thing more than I could ever like the thing itself.

Somehow I'd never quite managed to fit the two facts together.

Being an amputee of a certain sort, what I require are truly magnificent and ancient prosthetics: ivory harvested five hundred years ago and traced with Arabian geometries, wands tipped with jewels, human thigh bones carved with runes, attached with pure silk or ermine or a leather harness crafted by an old Venetian gentleman who, normally, only makes tasteful women's handbags.

I know where to find my other somewhat exotic antiques, but how, exactly, does one go about collecting antique, mayhaps prehistoric, faux phalli?

(no subject)

Date: 2008-01-28 06:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] transversecity.livejournal.com
I suggest you hold a Grand Competition, and the One who brings you the Greatest Pseudo-Penile-Piece wins your hand in marriage! Or possibly a slushie.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-01-28 06:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] earlofgrey.livejournal.com
My roommate and I have been trying to pawn off a mammoth jar of pickles, left to me when a friend moved to Florida, on party guests for ages. Would such a prize encourage or discourage the exchange?

(no subject)

Date: 2008-01-28 06:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] transversecity.livejournal.com
Personally, I would aim for your hand in marriage and a pickle.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-01-28 06:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] earlofgrey.livejournal.com
Done! Two hours of marriage, and a, ahem, pickle.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-01-28 06:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] transversecity.livejournal.com
Egads. Well, now, post-Faire, I need to get to scouring those estate sales.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-01-28 06:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] marnanel.livejournal.com
I think beyond a certain age they are historical artifacts and can be found with any other kind of historical artifacts.

I had never thought of the amputee angle before...

Ooh, there are people who make swords and things to historical specifications. I wonder whether...

(no subject)

Date: 2008-01-28 06:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] marnanel.livejournal.com
a friend of mine who knows about things recommended you ask the question of the good people at Good Vibrations, who have an antique sex toy museum, or of another sexuality museum.
From: [identity profile] popejeremy.livejournal.com
I'm sure that you've already thought of this, but if you haven't, I'm going to bring it up because I am a worry wort.

Ivory is a porous material, and therefore a harbinger of bacteria and infection. I would use an ivory phallus for visual aesthetic purposes only. Never for actual copulation.
From: [identity profile] earlofgrey.livejournal.com
Thanks for worrying. Condoms are fantastic devices, aren't they?
From: [identity profile] popejeremy.livejournal.com
Yes, but unless you can get the condom to completely cover the ivory phallus, I think you're still asking for trouble. A condom is designed to stop seminal fluid from breaking through or around it. Condoms aren't engineered to control possible infection around the base of the penis, which is going to be an issue with an ivory phallus.

Personally, while I find the term distasteful and fads are lame, I might consider a "steampunk" alternative, using newer materials and an older visual appeal.
From: [identity profile] marnanel.livejournal.com
Personally, while I find the term distasteful and fads are lame, I might consider a "steampunk" alternative, using newer materials and an older visual appeal.

I am now rocking in my chair with my eyes closed, faintly murmuring, "...steampunk... dildo..."
From: [identity profile] popejeremy.livejournal.com
You have found your mantra. Meditate on this personal truth.
From: [identity profile] marnanel.livejournal.com
dammit, there's still two and a half hours before I get to go home.

*head full of ideas*
From: [identity profile] earlofgrey.livejournal.com
Is it wrong that I hope you'll share pictures of any resulting devices with the internets?

In fact, if you can get a dildo on Brass Goggles, you'll will nerddom.
From: [identity profile] marnanel.livejournal.com
Good grief, I would certainly share pictures with the entire Internet, at least of the device when not in use :)

Many thanks for pointing me at Brass Goggles!
From: [identity profile] earlofgrey.livejournal.com
Good points all, sir. Verily, you are wise in the ways of the junk.
From: [identity profile] popejeremy.livejournal.com
Also, condoms are designed to elastically grip onto skin. So, unless a dildo is made of a skin-like substance (silicone, etc.) you're usually told not to try to use a condom on it, since it will probably just slip off during use.

And I'm not trying to imply that all your friends have STDs. I'm mostly concerned about the kinds of everyday bacteria that your skin is excellent at repelling, but which isn't meant to be rammed into vaginas and asses.
From: [identity profile] earlofgrey.livejournal.com
No, they do. All of them. Everyone I've ever met. It's a terrible shame.
From: [identity profile] popejeremy.livejournal.com
Then again, if you managed to come into the possession of an ivory phallus, and found someone with the expertise to coat it in a silicone sealant, that might be your ticket to Dildotown.
From: [identity profile] popejeremy.livejournal.com
The town of Dildo is now my spiritual homeland.

My uncle who is a fisherman by trade is actually from a place not far from there. He is a burly, soft-spoken gentleman with a gigantic beard who rolls his own cigarettes, and makes his living on the sea, as is his family's tradition. When sailing he uses his long beard as a scarf. His name is William Blackburn Penniston II, Billy for short. He knows how to make a perfect martini while on a swaying sailboat in the middle of the ocean.
From: [identity profile] marnanel.livejournal.com
The tale of Lord Penniston of Dildo could so easily have been different.
From: [identity profile] earlofgrey.livejournal.com
He catches it, I cut it: true of cod, hake, haddock, and women.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-02-21 10:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jezebellydancer.livejournal.com
I know this was posted long ago, but I just have to jump on this one. Well, not jump--that could hurt.

There is a place near Adamstown, PA called Fred & Dottie's, they specialize in reproductions, but they also have a sampling of real antiques.

Some time ago, they had a contraption in the lower level of their establishment that on first look seems like some strange reclining chair from a dentist's or doctor's office in a Jules Verne novel.

Apparently it is from the turn of the century and was used on "hysterical" women. The woman reclined in the seat, put feet in stirrups and a mechanical dildo would solve all her problems.

Whether they still have it, I don't know. I haven't been there in a long time. You do need to have a tax number to get in, they serve the antique dealer community. Perhaps a field trip is in order.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-02-22 03:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] earlofgrey.livejournal.com
I also have a modest collection of antique vibrators. I hold a certain fondness for some of the more interesting cures for hysteria. In other words, I would do anything to own, or even be allowed to look at, this device. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-02-25 03:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jezebellydancer.livejournal.com
I have a tax ID number. (They make you sign in and you must have an ID number to prove you are a "dealer" and legitimate buyer.) They take cash checks and credit cards.

If you need company for a road trip, let me know.

Oh. I also remembered in the biik, Ahab's Wife, there is a part when Ahad goes back to sea, that a friend offers the heroine a choice of "widow's friends" made from porcelain in varying shapes and sizes. The Author did extensive research, so I'm sure this is true. I wonder if any whaling museums have examples?

Profile

jacktellslies: (Default)
jacktellslies

August 2009

S M T W T F S
      1
23456 78
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031     

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags