No, he cannot touch the fish.

[jacktellslies]

Dear Ms. _______,

I write to thank you for the aid you offered in what was, for me, a difficult choice, one on which I'd been meditating for some time. Your children (all four of them!) were utterly atrocious. I recognise that their being dull and demanding is barely their fault at all, and that, at their age, the blame rests almost entirely with you. It is my sincerest hope that the poor creatures save themselves one day; the state of society being what it is, I trust you'll forgive me if I maintain my doubts. I should, perhaps, note that your children were not much more awful than most of the ones that I encounter on a daily basis, but this only serves to make my course all the more clear. In choosing to to actively pass on your own prodigious faults in addition to your wanting genetic code you've shown such poor judgement and limited self-awareness that I'm afraid I cannot let another business day pass without taking action against the threat of such wasted seed ever being inflicted upon the world again. Come Monday, I'm making an appointment to acquire a more permanent form of birth control. (Would that the bliss of infertility could be more easily shared! Mayhaps I should employ lasers, or radio waves?) Thank you once again for your assistance in this matter. The experience was most edifying.

Yours,
Jack Grey

Comments

[brni.livejournal.com]

i find it fascinating that some of the people who are most likely to be wonderful parents are the least likely to go about actually becoming parents.

[earlofgrey.livejournal.com]

My sister has it covered. She's far better with kids than I am, and abundantly fertile. I'll stick to being the fairy godparent with the funny hair.

[brni.livejournal.com]

heh. i suppose we can always clone you...

[earlofgrey.livejournal.com]

...I'd hit that...

[jezebellydancer.livejournal.com]

Yes, this is a sad thing. So many of the wrong genes make it into the pool. I think it's because the people with functional neurons know what hard work and commitment it takes to raise a child.

Sometimes I wonder of it was worth the toll on my figure, my IQ, and that pact with Kali to get B into the world. I have won the meanest Mom Award (from children other than my own) because I do not tolerate unruly children and have no problem disciplining other people's spawn. This was made much easier after I had my own. That and the special relationship I have with Kali. Heh heh.

I've always liked Bill Cosby's routine, "I brought you into this world, I can take you out and make another just like you."

[bricology.livejournal.com]

It's been two weeks since the snip-and-tie, and still I have no regrets. I've been around children enough to realize that any of my own would've caused me to follow Saturn's example.

[earlofgrey.livejournal.com]

Is congratulations an appropriate response?

The well-kept ones are delicious.

The Bung-Hole Theory

[jezebellydancer.livejournal.com]

A friend subscribes to the bung-hole theory of childrearing.

You place your child in a large barrel and feed it through the bung-hole untill it reaches the age of reason, somewhere after it turns 18. Then you close up the bung-hole.

There are days when I think this is a very good plan.

[chronographia.livejournal.com]

You seem to have put it much more magniloquently than I did.

[randiriel.livejournal.com]

Were it not for the expense, I would have taken drastic measures against fertility long ago.

[the-laugh.livejournal.com]

What kind of birth control are you thinking about? I love my IUD.

[earlofgrey.livejournal.com]

That's the one! Which kind do you have, the copper or the plastic?

[the-laugh.livejournal.com]

plastic...mirena. it is a dream. There is some cramping with insertion, but just take some advil and you should be fine.

[earlofgrey.livejournal.com]

I'd always hesitated because the idea of bleeding differently made me nervous. And I so rarely sleep with people who are biologically capable of filling me with proto-human parasites. But being baby-free for ten years does seem like a fairly good deal, especially while I have good health insurance.