jacktellslies | The term first appeared in English language print in Ben Jonson's 1610 play, The Alchemist.

Footnotes to poetry have reminded me of something I knew already: in dimly remembered human history, dildos were made of leather. This was, of course, disgusting. Before that, they could have been made of nearly anything, including, I've read, wood, stone, and ivory.

It must be admitted: I'm not always so stoic as I seem. Despite my being fully aware that, had I been born a boy, I would weep in the night: "Why, oh why, could I not have been born a girl?" I still, ever so rarely, bemoan my biological lot.

You may or may not know that I hold a certain fondness for missing limbs. The amputee is beautiful, and their prosthetics wonders. Quite often, I fear, I enjoy the suggestion of a thing more than I could ever like the thing itself.

Somehow I'd never quite managed to fit the two facts together.

Being an amputee of a certain sort, what I require are truly magnificent and ancient prosthetics: ivory harvested five hundred years ago and traced with Arabian geometries, wands tipped with jewels, human thigh bones carved with runes, attached with pure silk or ermine or a leather harness crafted by an old Venetian gentleman who, normally, only makes tasteful women's handbags.

I know where to find my other somewhat exotic antiques, but how, exactly, does one go about collecting antique, mayhaps prehistoric, faux phalli?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Thanks for worrying. Condoms are fantastic devices, aren't they?

Yes, but unless you can get the condom to completely cover the ivory phallus, I think you're still asking for trouble. A condom is designed to stop seminal fluid from breaking through or around it. Condoms aren't engineered to control possible infection around the base of the penis, which is going to be an issue with an ivory phallus.

Personally, while I find the term distasteful and fads are lame, I might consider a "steampunk" alternative, using newer materials and an older visual appeal.

Personally, while I find the term distasteful and fads are lame, I might consider a "steampunk" alternative, using newer materials and an older visual appeal.

I am now rocking in my chair with my eyes closed, faintly murmuring, "...steampunk... dildo..."

You have found your mantra. Meditate on this personal truth.

Being married to an artist has its benefits, yes?

dammit, there's still two and a half hours before I get to go home.

*head full of ideas*

Is it wrong that I hope you'll share pictures of any resulting devices with the internets?

In fact, if you can get a dildo on Brass Goggles, you'll will nerddom.

Ahem. Win, not will.

Good grief, I would certainly share pictures with the entire Internet, at least of the device when not in use :)

Many thanks for pointing me at Brass Goggles!

Good points all, sir. Verily, you are wise in the ways of the junk.

Also, condoms are designed to elastically grip onto skin. So, unless a dildo is made of a skin-like substance (silicone, etc.) you're usually told not to try to use a condom on it, since it will probably just slip off during use.

And I'm not trying to imply that all your friends have STDs. I'm mostly concerned about the kinds of everyday bacteria that your skin is excellent at repelling, but which isn't meant to be rammed into vaginas and asses.

No, they do. All of them. Everyone I've ever met. It's a terrible shame.

Then again, if you managed to come into the possession of an ivory phallus, and found someone with the expertise to coat it in a silicone sealant, that might be your ticket to Dildotown.

Mind the gap.

The town of Dildo is now my spiritual homeland.

My uncle who is a fisherman by trade is actually from a place not far from there. He is a burly, soft-spoken gentleman with a gigantic beard who rolls his own cigarettes, and makes his living on the sea, as is his family's tradition. When sailing he uses his long beard as a scarf. His name is William Blackburn Penniston II, Billy for short. He knows how to make a perfect martini while on a swaying sailboat in the middle of the ocean.

The tale of Lord Penniston of Dildo could so easily have been different.

He catches it, I cut it: true of cod, hake, haddock, and women.

The term first appeared in English language print in Ben Jonson's 1610 play, The Alchemist.

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Re: I Care About Your Genetalia And The Genetalia Of Your Friends

Re: I Care About Your Genetalia And The Genetalia Of Your Friends

Re: I Care About Your Genetalia And The Genetalia Of Your Friends