A fire in my head?

[jacktellslies]

The city looks new, with the trees just going green and pink. Even the oldest houses look older. I've been in this house a year now. I've been here all of the time longer than that. Things are coming back to where they were. Things are coming back different.

Some time ago I had a boy who would send me tea from London. I only just realized, in fact, that I'd probably never had truly good tea until he gave it to me. (I'm certainly not all his fault, but he did ruin me a little.) We've been talking, and I've been enjoying it immensely. He'll be a nurse soon enough, and he wants to move north. He is still thinking about a tattoo he used to think about when we thought about one another differently. He asks me questions I've not been asking. I've been such a secular thing, this year. I do not think it is bad. The metaphors are no less rich. But mayhaps I do miss feeling the thing under the meat, which was what I knew before I knew the meat so well.

I killed something today.

Today is Bill's birthday. I love to watch the rhythms of people, now, the way that they want community, and then want to be alone, all throughout their lives. We are little clocks. And I've had other thoughts. As a child, people told me that I was wise, and that I was old. And I always reminded myself that no, I wasn't. The thing they were seeing behind my eyes was more slow panic, long trauma, than substance. I'd tell them I was more mud than depth. I knew that if I was wise, I still had far to go. But I knew it as a kind of rebellion: it was like a riddle, and I thought myself all the wiser for knowing the trick at the end. And so there is the part of me that wishes that they had told me, too: you may be wise, and you may be old. But you are very stupid, and you are very young. And, perhaps more importantly, you only know what you know, and you are only as old as you are. I enjoy these paths, too, and I wonder what they will look like when I am somewhere else.

You must listen to the Decemberists' cover of Bjork's Human Behavior right now. It will break you.

Comments

[randiriel.livejournal.com]

I ♥ you. Too much for my own good.

I like to think this post, and the one I just posted, were, in some cosmically arranged way, seeds planted in our heads at the same time. Though they have little to do with one another at all, and yours feels feels much more solid and less frenetic than mine, they seem to have a similar feeling.

At least, I say that do. And that makes all the matter that matters.

[earlofgrey.livejournal.com]

No, I thought the same! And I was about to tell you! I am so glad that we understand the workings of the universe.

[randiriel.livejournal.com]

We are obviously superior to most other people.

[earlofgrey.livejournal.com]

We win life.

Just letting you know...

[solargoth.livejournal.com]

I find every post of yours that I have read both thought-provoking and, quite frankly, revealing the inner workings of a genius. You may not see yourself as wise, or of substance, but I can guarantee that many on the outside see a different picture than that which you paint of yourself.

I have found that many of our thought processes are like dual ruts in the same road. This inspires me (for I greatly look up to you), yet vexes me, for I know not what to do with said thoughts. They usually do not come out in my writing as yours do; most often my fictional compositions, poems, songs, and especially LJ posts are inane at best. Truth be told, this comment will probably end up as such.

Of course, I am of a younger set, and that may be the source of my predicament... Though, among my peers, I am counted as one who has experienced the world on a much grander scale than most, and one who possesses many (more than is common, anyhow) unique ways of expressing himself. I just wonder if said experience has really made me any more knowledgeable, wise, or mature than my fellows; if said expressions are really as true to my internal workings as one might think.

I'll cease this unnecessary exposition here; like I said, this is probably rather inane to you. I'll state again, however, that I find your written work spellbinding and inspiring, and that you are one of my online heros. You do indeed win at life.

Humbly,
~Solar Flare (yes, that is my real name)

Re: Just letting you know...

[earlofgrey.livejournal.com]

I promise that I'm the opposite of a genius, and that this was not at all inane. Your writing is quite a lot better than mine was when I was seventeen. Thank you ever so much for the kind words. From the bits of your journal that I've read thus far, are neat, and seem to like Placebo. You've earned my respect.

*faints from giddiness*

[solargoth.livejournal.com]

Ah, but that promise is your own opinion, and you seem to be self-deprecating in your approach. *pokes merrily on the noggin*

*does happy dance* You think my writing is actually decent? That means a lot... (Thinking: Huzzah! I am not in reality a complete and total loser!)

You're completely welcome to every kind word you've received. No need for thanks, but I appreciate it all the same. n_n

And yes, I quite like Placebo (as do my bandmates - er, bandmistresses - oh, whatever!)... but not so much as to interfere with my frothing rabid obsessions with AFI and HIM. I mean, come on. Davey Havok and Ville Valo. Enough said. Then you add both's lyrical and melodic compositions, what with their depth and - in my case, anyway - utter relateability (is that a word?), AND their music's total headbanging, rock-out potential... Shall I go on? I can. For hours, I've been told. n_~

I'm grinning like a loon due to your last sentence. I've earned your respect! This calls for - I dunno - the smashing of champagne bottles against the hulls of metaphorical ships, or the dropping of some structurally massive object with lights all over it, and definitely a mad fit of squeeing on my part.

Squeefully,
~Solar

PS. Glad to hear you like The Magnetic Fields. I've had 'When My Boy Walks Down The Street' stuck in my head since I first read your comment above. ...Butterflies turn into people when my boy walks down the street; maybe he should be illegal, he just makes life too complete...