jacktellslies

We are not together again, exactly, but we love one another, and I suppose that we are in love. When people ask, we tell them that we are Super Best Friends and refuse to clarify further. She is taking time to herself. Supposedly we'll be more than this again, at some point, but not what we were. We'd like space, please, and to learn to/continue to be reasonable. I'd worried that she wouldn't learn from any of this, but she is learning. She is taking time, and she is taking space. And I am proud of her, and glad that she has willpower enough for the both of us, although, being what I am, to be honest, I would, perhaps, prefer it if we were beating one another senseless and spending a bit more time atop the freezer in the basement. The fags all tease whenever we enter a room, though, and that is almost like real, quite regular contact, isn't it?

I have felt conflicted about much of it. Of course. I'd thought the whole time, you see, that I'd been envious, that I'd only wanted the things I could no longer have. But I was jealous, too. I told her, today: She is the first thing. I am not really emotionally available to anyone but her. And that would likely be true regardless of whether or not she felt the same about me. But there is part of me that wanted so desperately for her to feel the same. And I did not really know if that was acceptable. Was I wanting something that I simply could not have, and being selfish, and trying to have too much of her, and not practicing detachment, and asking too much? And is that dangerous? So I asked. And that is what we would have been the whole time, had we not stopped. And that is what we'll be. That was all. That is what she said. And she said that there was no question of that, to the extent that she barely understood, at first, the question that I was asking.

I believe that one can make the same mistakes over and over, or that one can find new and interesting mistakes to make, new problems, new lessons. We have learned things from one another, and we would seem to be in this together. And my body, and my head, and my mouth are thankful. My heart is thankful, and full, and waiting to be filled. There are new mistakes out there. There are new ways to ruin this and one another, and, I hope, new ways to find our way back.