80 Proof, Product of Ireland.

[jacktellslies]

I threw out all of my old notebooks a small while ago. Parker mistook the plastic bag into which I was throwing them and we took them home, by accident, and I threw them out all over again. The first things I ever tried to write were in there, as was the only evidence that I could be an artist, if I tried. Now it rots but does not disappear, somewhere. And I threw out my makeup today. For years I crafted intricate masks for myself every day, big glam things, cityscapes and messages and warrior marks. I never do, anymore, so it is well enough that they are gone, but it felt like throwing out the alter cloth. And even most of the things that I like are gone, now. But perhaps that was for the best. I mean to continue in this way, weeding out the unnecessary. I never want to drown in my things. I never want to be tied to something I cannot leave behind.

It is that day. I have not spoken to my father in four years. That still feels more strange than anything else. I am not as sad as I usually am today, but I'd rather not be alone. Parker and JJ and I are having dinner. It is kind of them. I'll fill my flask with Jameson tonight and pass it around the room.

Comments

[lelapin.livejournal.com]

i wouldn't want to throw out my makeup. i'd be a little sad.

[earlofgrey.livejournal.com]

I would have been devastated if I'd lost it when I still needed it, but it was time for it to go. It was like holding on to my own ghost.

[robinelaine.livejournal.com]

Significant dates suck. Stuff sucks. Hang in there.

[earlofgrey.livejournal.com]

Thanks. You too.

[orangeflckrgrin.livejournal.com]

I should think I'd be in a mood for months if I ever threw out my first writing by accident, or lost them to a fire or flood or something of the sort. Never mind how atrocious beginnings are. Beginnings help us remember why it was good to be naive.

[earlofgrey.livejournal.com]

It was time for them to go. If I am ever to be dictator, I must destroy all evidence of weakness.

[robinelaine.livejournal.com]

And if Nixon taught us anything, it is that self-preservation can depend upon not preserving too much evidence about ourselves.

[thereallinda.livejournal.com]

how i understand this compulsion NOT to own things; to destroy the old, worn, used up, unnecessary things that clutter and strangle. bleh. i have been known to throw out perfectly good furniture because it was in my way and offended my eye. i am uncomfortable owning all this stuff. i am worried about it. what if i have to split fast? i OWN this shit. with ownership comes responsibility. plus there's the imprint of me on all this shit and with that cords that bind me to it. to IT! lots of ITS. they can find me by my its. argh.
no one understands this.
when i come to hate a painting, i slash it. i keep the stretcher boards to use again later, but i slash the canvas. rip it to shreds and bundle it up. sometimes i keep certain shreds if the color is right, but usually i just trash them. i'd prefer to burn them but i don't have a fireplace and i worry about toxins in the air.
no one understands this either.

[earlofgrey.livejournal.com]

It is strange, sometimes, to be cutting back and cutting back while everyone else just seems to keep on accumulating things. I don't want to be the trash lady in Labyrinth.