jacktellslies: (circusfolk)
Beth and I have taken to laughing, "I get everything I want!" for those moments that manage to be irrationally perfect, more than you'd ever ask for piling around you all at once. And yesterday was better than that, a consistently and unreasonably lovely day. I'd stayed up late the night before dancing around a cauldron of glue in my oven room, a bulb burning directly over my head, my halo, my moon. And I woke up early, no reason but a hunch, and done with dreams. My suspicions were correct, and someone I'd been wanting was tangled in the aether cables. I hadn't known what it would call. There were crows above me, instantly, calling in a grey and writhing sky. There were three or five of them, when I've not seen crows in this part of the city in years, if ever. Obscenities, my only prayers, fell from my tongue like fairy gold turning to feathers.

I did yoga; I did not, so far as I can tell, shatter my spine. I'll proceed with caution. I'd quite like to return to it in earnest.

By the time I'd dressed it was nearly time to leave, but being occasionally irrational, I decided that I couldn't possibly be seen in public that day without a new hat. I found the streets of Philadelphia, my lover, boot to brick, moving in her in a fury of winds. Other people's sigils were burnt in the alleyways, mirrored cave paintings replaying my perfect morning and laughing, certainly correctly. I pouted and preened for myself in the shops and returned with something I liked.

I got to the park laden with fruits and red and white wine. I found friends there, beautiful ones, and we ate grapes from one another's chests and trousers like silly foul mouthed children. The trees insisted on joining in, covering us in spores and other spunk of the natural world. Tom, being even more of a true city-dweller than most of us, was unfamiliar with such obscenities and was terrified.

It is, I think, the nature of us veterans of the Fort to threaten as much as to flirt. But this being the first of spring, I think we may have outdone ourselves. It was filthy. We accused one another of vile things and promised one another worse. A running tally of my failings was kept by Winston Churchill (here represented by a delightful young bulldog, clearly drunk and a scrapper) and my dead father, drinking deep of the whiskeys of hell yet still unable to forget their unnumbered sins and disappointments made flesh and left to wander the streets in the form of yours truly. In our defence, for the first of spring it was a bit cold and the wind was cruel; we were fighting and flirting to stay warm. Eventually we were forced indoors for mystery beer, a charming custom of paying next to nothing for a surprise in a paper bag and a bottle. Sometimes it was quite good, but there was always the risk of falling victim to some of that mainstream American beer that tastes like a mixture of spit and the underside of the furniture in a fraternity. The waitress, being wise and just, only inflicted such indignities upon Tom.

I feel like I've left out some of the goodness, but I'm not sure I'd know how to convince all of it to fit. I don't know how one day managed it, still. But the winter is dead at last, and I'm hopeful that this day won't be the last of its kind.

Equinox.

Mar. 21st, 2007 10:07 am
jacktellslies: (ladies)
Yesterday I went walking. I found snow melting. I found a sigil I'd drawn carved in stone. I found churches made half of stone and half of light. I found bulbs fighting up and petals opening.

Because there's heat beneath your winter: let me in.
Because it's silent in your stone field: let me in.
jacktellslies: (Default)
The city looks new, with the trees just going green and pink. Even the oldest houses look older. I've been in this house a year now. I've been here all of the time longer than that. Things are coming back to where they were. Things are coming back different.

Some time ago I had a boy who would send me tea from London. I only just realized, in fact, that I'd probably never had truly good tea until he gave it to me. (I'm certainly not all his fault, but he did ruin me a little.) We've been talking, and I've been enjoying it immensely. He'll be a nurse soon enough, and he wants to move north. He is still thinking about a tattoo he used to think about when we thought about one another differently. He asks me questions I've not been asking. I've been such a secular thing, this year. I do not think it is bad. The metaphors are no less rich. But mayhaps I do miss feeling the thing under the meat, which was what I knew before I knew the meat so well.

I killed something today.

Today is Bill's birthday. I love to watch the rhythms of people, now, the way that they want community, and then want to be alone, all throughout their lives. We are little clocks. And I've had other thoughts. As a child, people told me that I was wise, and that I was old. And I always reminded myself that no, I wasn't. The thing they were seeing behind my eyes was more slow panic, long trauma, than substance. I'd tell them I was more mud than depth. I knew that if I was wise, I still had far to go. But I knew it as a kind of rebellion: it was like a riddle, and I thought myself all the wiser for knowing the trick at the end. And so there is the part of me that wishes that they had told me, too: you may be wise, and you may be old. But you are very stupid, and you are very young. And, perhaps more importantly, you only know what you know, and you are only as old as you are. I enjoy these paths, too, and I wonder what they will look like when I am somewhere else.

You must listen to the Decemberists' cover of Bjork's Human Behavior right now. It will break you.
jacktellslies: (rasputin)
I was in the gayborhood at ten or so this morning, walking in the sun with no coat. No one has ever been awake in the gayborhood at that hour. I am a brave explorer.

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