you're a good man.

and then today held so much.

i am sorry if the edges are jagged.

i got into bed with bill and terrance for a moment. i watched the muppet show, and realized what i hadn't noticed when i was wee, that women on the show are consistently aggressive and sexual while boys are shy and generally fearful.

kaitlin picked me up early. we drove through princeton, which is beautiful, and we cursed the cars and we cursed new jersey. and we came to the funeral home, and we all stood around, and then we sat, and then we listened to stories. i can barely explain. the man that was buried today was brilliant and good. i believe that he taught one of my favourite people in all the world to ask questions, and he taught me that, by extension. there are things that i want to believe about the world, and the ways in which we can change it for the better. the stories that were told gave me hope that certain things are possible. and this is a personal prejudice, i am sure, but, to my mind, i'm not sure one can do much better than to encourage the spread of knowledge, and to tell or to make good stories. i very sincerely wish that i had known him. i'm deeply grateful to know his daughter, of whom i am certain he is proud.

kaitlin and i drove home the same way. it was nice to share a car with her again. i miss her rather a lot.

i got home and i got changed. i found a package from the lovely miss unquietbrain. it contained notebooks, and latin, and a brand new kind of earl gray tea. it was perfect. i walked south. there were nearly tattoos. i am suddenly in possession of money that i should not spend, but money that i could spend; as a result, i don't quite know what to do with myself. as a result of that, i nearly pierced my tongue. but nearly is not quite. so instead we heated up the rest of my saki on aiden's stove and we drank, and then they took me out for more saki and for sushi at a place that i did not at all deserve. we tried new things, and spoke with our delightful waiter, and we (or perhaps i) stared at an unusually pretty straight girl. i had been wondering why my saki had not been working, but it is an alchemy, i think, something unique to the ritual of it, and the art of it, and good friends, that warms me and slows down my brain and speeds up my tongue. they thought i'd gotten drunk, but that wasn't quite it. i'm still not sure i'll ever get drunk again. the day had just moved so far from yesterday. tonight was so good. and forgive me for the things i say. you both make my head such a dirty place. i'm not normally like this. well. i am. but you do make it quite a bit worse. and discretion has never been my strong suit at all.

so, today was full. and i feel as worthy as one ever can of my ribs and my mouth and my skin again. which is a reminder for me: i must declare myself an organ donor as quickly as possible. i refuse to go to waste.

(hic astabo tantisper cum hac forma et factis frustra?)