it is just as we had feared.

my dearest whitney,

i have decided that i must become a member of an entirely respectable gentleman's club. ladies, of course, will only be allowed to enter the establishment if they have the decency to dress like boys. i do hope that you'll join me as soon as i find one. i'll be sure to light every last one of your opium-laced cigarettes for you, and we can share brandy and spread the most delightful rumors about one another.

do you remember the lovely gayboy who was our waiter at the thai restaurant when you were here? she is a girl now! i'm ever so excited, because now i am under the moral obligation to support a business that employs people who are transitioning and that wants to give me thai food.

i finally started watching the film that you sent me. you are amazing.

one day you and i should fall in love with the same woman and nearly fight one another to the death for her honour. at the last minute, obviously, we'll trick her into believing that one of us has died and that the other has been deported to australia so that we can begin our love affair in paris and still receive adoring letters from the poor girl.

i hope that this finds you well. i miss you more than i can say. i'll always be madly in love with you.

ever yours,

jack