what'll it be, gin or gin?

damn you, korea! damn you, army! damn you, war!

i have to be at work at 6:00 in the morning to lift heavy things. i did not sleep last night. i didn't sleep much the night before, either, as it was busy being the night of awful. to make it all bearable, i've convinced myself that i'm working a 36 hour shift in a MASH unit. if hawkeye can do it...

(i get to seduce the nurses after this is over, don't i?)

passion without mercy.

i want someone who will destroy and be destroyed by me. there are many forms of love and affection, some people can spend their whole lives together without knowing each other's names. naming is a difficult and time-consuming process; it concerns essences, and it means power. but on the wild nights who can call you home? only the one who knows your name.

i often think that i've never been one for savior gods. it has never seemed a relevant thing. i want for mother goddesses, though, among others. however, i'm realizing, i do like sacrifice. i like intricate little dying gods, the rituals of their downfalls. i don't often need the odins and the lughs and the christs because i feel too close to them. i understand giving your body over to ruin for wisdom, for friends, for something like love, too well. i need my virgins and my mothers, though, and the woman who will keen for me, and my woman with a mead cup.

fear is always something i liked. it protects, and it sharpens. but after a while, fear stops protecting. eventually, it only hurts, and opens wounds that have been bled of poisons and now need to heal.

i understand pain as a healthy thing. using one pain to transform another, to focus, to change your direction, is a wise thing, i think, although many would disagree. but there is a difference between ritual and stabbing yourself for the sake of hurting. one, i can argue, is beneficial. the other is simply stupid.

i'm slouching towards bethlehem to be born. a new thing, i'll hold my tongue until i can speak.