the party to celebrate my triumph over pittsburgh and consequent return to philadelphia will be held at my apartment at eight o'clock on thursday, january 13, three days before my grand exit. it is my personal opinion that the most impressive aspect of my conquest was not converting the natives in one fell swoop, or my bringing civilized language and ways of dress into the city, but the fact that so many of the beautiful women of pittsburgh have been turned into exotic ladies of the night at my insistence. to celebrate this aspect of my reign, said party will focus on the courtesan. moulin rouge dancers, geishas, call girls, fallen women, dollymops, and other such ladies and gentlemen of little virtue are welcome. desserts, including fondue, and drinks, including absinthe, will be offered. the traditional drinking games of the geisha, including truth, dare, or drink jenga will be played. clothing will, if all goes well, be removed. in short, this is your last chance to make out with me, your glorious leader, before i return to the capital. use your time and my blood alcohol content wisely.