Jan. 18th, 2009 07:41 pm
jacktellslies: (bear girl)
As is true for most young homosexuals, in my misspent youth there may have been several occasions on which I took far more ecstasy than is necessary and spent the next week at the mercy of the horrible, painful serotonin withdrawal that I absolutely deserved.

Today was sort of like experiencing that process in reverse, which I'll admit is how I always wanted ecstasy to work.

Unfortunately my month of unpleasantness doesn't seem to be over. The most recent news is that my grandmother's cancer has metastasised. This is neither surprising nor really much of a change; she is very old, and she was already unwell. But this still must be heartbreaking for her and my grandfather. I watched cancer kill my father, and several other relatives besides, and that disease, more than nearly anything else on this earth, has the ability to turn me into a sobbing wreck. So I spent most of today either hiding from humanity or being horrible to my partner.

Fortunately, I had the wherewithal to know that baking was probably the answer. I made a giant batch of sugar cookies, and my lovely roommate Whitney was kind enough to make her family's brilliant almond icing. (She even taught me the recipe!) I'm not sure how I'll be doing tomorrow, but at the moment I feel better than I would have thought possible earlier today.

jacktellslies: (this machine)

This is the white man's clock. I'm on good advice not to trust it. In fact, last night I had six hours of sleeping down to four, and then down to only three due to all of this trickery and nonsense. Because of that I was fifteen minutes late in getting somewhere, and a half of an hour late in leaving again. It's shameful.

My friends are perfection. Yesterday all of Pittsburgh mysteriously found its way here. We drank drinks and went to a play and had ice cream.

If I had a mask to wear today, it would be a round little half of a skull with jagged teeth. I'm about going where I'm not meant to go. I always am. So soon I'll get a tattoo: two crossed keys on my arm. Meredith will be helping me. Rain, perhaps you'd like to help, too?

Love you.

May. 8th, 2006 11:58 pm
jacktellslies: (crow)
Dear dad,

I finished college today. I, personally, think that this is insane, although I doubt you're all that surprised. The last time I saw you, I was a freshman. Insane! I'm still not sure I could keep up with you in conversation, but that was always for the best. You're a smart guy, and I always wanted to be like you. I always thought that college would let me catch up, but I'm sort of glad that I still get to feel like I have a long way to go. I'm sorry I only write when important stuff happens. I miss you a lot.

jacktellslies: (this machine)
I threw out all of my old notebooks a small while ago. Parker mistook the plastic bag into which I was throwing them and we took them home, by accident, and I threw them out all over again. The first things I ever tried to write were in there, as was the only evidence that I could be an artist, if I tried. Now it rots but does not disappear, somewhere. And I threw out my makeup today. For years I crafted intricate masks for myself every day, big glam things, cityscapes and messages and warrior marks. I never do, anymore, so it is well enough that they are gone, but it felt like throwing out the alter cloth. And even most of the things that I like are gone, now. But perhaps that was for the best. I mean to continue in this way, weeding out the unnecessary. I never want to drown in my things. I never want to be tied to something I cannot leave behind.

It is that day. I have not spoken to my father in four years. That still feels more strange than anything else. I am not as sad as I usually am today, but I'd rather not be alone. Parker and JJ and I are having dinner. It is kind of them. I'll fill my flask with Jameson tonight and pass it around the room.


jacktellslies: (Default)

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